At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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