Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Success! We fucked roommates!
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