The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
