How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
