I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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