Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
