They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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