my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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