she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
