Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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