so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
