$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
