After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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