She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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