a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
