you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
