HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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