Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
