I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
