Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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