I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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