My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
