i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
