Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
