Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
