Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
