i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
