It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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