seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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