I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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