Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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