1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
