don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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