i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
