I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
