I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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