i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
