Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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