The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
