when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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