moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
