I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
