Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
