i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
