The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
