Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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