I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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