Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
