he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize
