I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
